Mate Selection

Figure out what you really want. If you can’t quite pin it down, at least figure out what you don’t want.

Sometimes you hire someone who doesn’t meet the initial professional criteria, because people are complex. Say you expect a candidate to have a certain skill and they don’t—at that point, it should be over. But then you realize their learning ability is exceptional, and based on your experience, they’ll get up to speed within a month. In that case, the hard requirement ceases to be an issue.

You might say you can’t accept someone from a disadvantaged background, but this person is outstanding—landing a seven-figure starting salary through a top talent program straight out of college, or attending a prestigious university like Tsinghua for computer science, allowing you to project a strong future.

The first interview primarily assesses hard qualifications.

The second round is a background check.

For critical roles, personality matters. Personality isn’t loyalty—loyalty can’t be measured; that only becomes clear when someone dies.

Personality reflects a person’s value orientation. There are three kinds of talent: those after money, those after power, and those after truth.

Actually, most people aren’t any of these three.

He doesn’t like power, because power and responsibility are paired—he doesn’t like responsibility; it gives him headaches. He just likes showing off, likes giving orders around.

He also doesn’t like making money—he just likes spending it. When it comes to earning, he’s grim; when it comes to spending, he’s wildly imaginative.

And he certainly doesn’t like truth—he doesn’t enjoy hunting for formulas in data, nor does he enjoy digging into the principles behind things.

You can observe a person’s personality and figure out what they truly want through everyday interactions.

Don’t take their compromise seriously. They might be heads-over-heels in love, saying “I love you, I’m willing to sacrifice this and that for you.” But once the honeymoon phase fades?

A lifetime is long. Differences in what you both pursue can be reconciled, but if they’re too large, reconciliation is nearly impossible. Concessions made during the passionate phase hold no real meaning.

If something can’t work long-term, better not start. If you do, cut your losses promptly.

By the third round, the person’s professional skills are solid—or at least their career prospects look good—and their personality fits well. The only question left is whether their approach to getting things done aligns with your existing team. 1+1 can equal more than 2, or less than 1.

Talk through specifics: how would you handle this? Interviewers go round after round until they understand the candidate’s methodology. Different teams work differently. After the first two rounds, we know they’re talented—the question is whether they’d be talented here.

A person may meet all your hard requirements and seem a great personality match, yet as you spend time together, you sense fundamentally different worldviews that can’t be forced to fit. Why? Because your methodologies differ. Your strategy for staying in a big city is positive growth, low variance, and small iterative steps forward. Their methodology is “win and you’re living it up; lose and you’re back to square one.” Over time, the conflict becomes irreconcilable.

Because two horses are pulling the cart in opposite directions.

One complains that their spouse doesn’t understand, support, or endorse them, holding them back. The other thinks, “What kind of person is this? Not down-to-earth, obsessed with gambling.” Both feel wronged because they simply can’t see each other.

In reality, people just want someone to blame.

Marriage is the same. They say they care deeply, but any impulse can easily shake their rationality. It’s not just about houses or marriage—in most areas of life, people act this way: education, healthcare, even fixing a leak at home. They don’t want to truly understand the details of any plan. They just want to say, “I’ve handed my child over to you,” “I’ve handed my health over to you,” “I’ve handed this problem over to you.” They feel they’ve offloaded responsibility. And if the expected result doesn’t come? It’s definitely someone else’s fault.

Bottom line: it’s not my problem. I’m unwilling to invest the effort to study the costs and trade-offs of every different option.